The Alchemist
I don’t know how I’m still alive
Last year I thought
I was going to die
The pain was so immense
And although I’m tense
Death is imminent
Someday
I was convinced I was going to die
And if I wasn’t
I was going to take
My own life
Because the pain inside
Was so strong
It was ‘heartbreak’
I was missing my own heart
I seemed to have lost it twice
And my mind too
Because I can’t have you
I just had to know
If you had been thinking
Of me at all
It seems not
Not as much as I had hoped
And I’m sure the other half
Has forgotten about me too
Perhaps I’m the crazy one to him
Or the one that got away
I would rather not know
But put an arrow in a bow
I know what I’m aiming for
Now
The coal
Before the diamonds
The ore
Before the silver
Before I’m found
And I’ve turned to gold
A Midas touch
Before the metal rusts
Before time is over
Before the end is near
Because time is short
Because we don’t know
Why we are here
Because we don’t know
What happens afterwards
Because of destiny
Because of serendipity
Because of the universe
Nothing good can be made
Without pressure
We are nothing
Without the stressors
Without the pain
Or the strain we put on our hearts
Like when we tell someone we love them
And they look blankly at us
Perhaps I’ve lost my touch
Or the gold in my heart
Has melted
Into something pure
Perhaps I should feel something
Perhaps they should feel it too
It’s still something I am learning
“Love”
I think I’ve become close
I think I’ve felt things
Between people
Although I haven’t for some time
Anger
Is a great tool
When used properly
It’s an art in itself
To be used wisely
To transform pain
And heartbreak
And disgust
And rage
Into a visual
Into a feeling
Into something worth the pain
The art of something transformed
The alchemist
The practice of alchemy
Deep healing
Perhaps it doesn’t take away
It all
But it takes away some
And allows a new kind
Of entry point
For me I can only do alone
If not it is very painful
Perhaps I take in the pain of others
When I do it
I think there is some truth to that
Although I won’t tell people
About it
It’s my little secret
But I know what their feeling
It’s usually quite painful
It fills me up
In a way
Although I wouldn’t say
I’m an empty person
But I do take on the feelings of others
It’s something I can’t help
Something that hits me
When I least expect it
A switch I haven’t yet
Been able to find
A turn off button
I couldn’t tell you why
It’s something I can’t explain
But it’s painful always
Taking in the suffering of others
The pain
Of not being wanted
And my other insecurities
Do not compare
To what I feel in my heart
